CANCER (June 22-July 22). You’re looking for something new, and you’ll find it in something old. Perhaps it’s a vintage piece of style, or a relationship from years past that you’ll find newly compelling.

I read my horoscope today and this is what it said.

So

here

I

am.

Plan to breathe life into this old thing.  Put some new lipstick on and make that old dress look new again.  Tom Ford says it’s all one needs to do.

For those of you who really know me, as in “real life,” vs. “virtual,” realize I’ve got too many eggs in one basket, I’m a chicken with my head cut off, I’m that hen who crossed the road and forgot why….

Meanwhile, I am determined to give CPR to this blog.

Adieu for today.

Back at it tomorrow.

(Maybe).

Just because I don’t have enough in my life to keep me busy, I decided to enter a short story writing challenge.

Short Story LogoThe Short Story Challenge 2009 is an international creative writing competition, now in it’s 3rd year, that challenges participants to create original short stories in as little as 24 hours. The event is organized by NYC Midnight Movie Making Madness, an organization dedicated to discovering and promoting a new wave of talented storytellers. NYC Midnight aims to provide the prizes and exposure necessary for writers to take their next big step towards writing professionally.

I, along with twenty other writers, was assigned to heat number nineteen- genre: drama, subject: a blood test. There are approximately 600 folks who signed up for this competition, although I’m not sure if they have the total of how many stories were submitted.

I have to say that what follows is not at all the story I intended, or even started to write. It was a good exercise for me, and always interesting to see what comes out of ones’ imagination. Oh yeah, and this is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Well enough explaining…here it is:

 

 

The Baby Namer

Marie is pregnant. She knows this not because she has missed a period, or pissed on a stick. She has not seen any sort of artificial sign-double line, plus, or minus. She knows she is pregnant because her body is already remodeling, making room for the new addition.

She feels heavier, though the numbers on the scale have not risen. She is walking with fresh cement poured inside her sheepskin slippers, slogging through deep snowdrifts. Her hips have softened and opened like lotus petals. Her yoga practice will be a cinch. Call her Guru Gumby. Her breasts feel full, hot, and hard. Darkened nipples like insect antennae are anticipating the change. A slight dip in temperature and the high beams are turned on.

In a celebratory toast to the contents of her womb, her little unexpected 31st birthday gift, she’ll raise one more beer from her fridge. She will smoke her last cigarette and call herself a cold turkey; she’ll heed the surgeon general’s warning: PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD NOT SMOKE. She will cry a lulla-goodbye to her plan of a great escape, cuddle up in the nest of her comforter, and settle down.

When she wakes in the morning there will be no more “me.” She will accept this new role she’s been cast, THE MOTHER, and understand a new definition of “we.” Tomorrow she listens to her parents’ advice; she grows up and gets a life.

***

Marie’s husband Ben is sitting at the kitchen table in boxer briefs, black socks, a white t-shirt and the oversized cardigan she knit when they were first dating. Marie gives her knit creations names. She’s titled this grey cardigan “Cursed Boyfriend Sweater.” According to knitting legend, the completion of the sweater was to signal the end of their relationship. It was supposed to scare him off, all that love measured out in wool and stitches. She notices it’s beginning to unravel at the cuffs.

“Kelly called last night while you were sleeping. She wants you to call her.”

It is routine that by the time Ben makes it to bed, Marie is in the thick coma of REM sleep. Being pregnant is the perfect excuse to avoid him, his sexual advances, and his attempt to connect through conversation. She protects herself by beating him to sleep, a race to her side of the bed. “The baby is eating my brain and drinking my energy.” She says to him. A repeat of the line she’s given to her boss at the Tribune.

She has not been able to stay awake past seven o’clock, she can’t focus, and she is not making her deadlines at work. Marie picks up the phone to call Kelly, and then remembers she needs to call work. Her eager assistant, poised to pounce on Marie’s job, answers on the first ring. “I won’t make it to the office until noon today,” Marie says. “I have a doctor’s appointment.”

She puts her clean empty bowl back in the cupboard, and re-homes the milk to the fridge. Now that she has remembered to call the paper, she realizes she is not supposed to eat. Her belly grumbles its dissent. She sets her hands gently on her stomach, soothing its anger. She wants to say to it, ‘This isn’t my idea.’ She checks the information sheet the nurse has given her, there it is in black and white: Fast for at least eight hours. You will have an initial blood test to determine sugar levels…

***

The Blood Test. That was the title of Kelly’s first solo art exhibition hung in Larson Gallery at St. Luke’s College. A sophomore art student, she was causing a major commotion on campus with her work. Kelly called her pieces menstrual paintings. She had collected blood from her period each month for a year and mixed it with acrylic paint to plasticize the blood. With paint, blood, and ink she created a series of twelve maps. I am not a cartographer and my maps are not real, read her artist’s statement. Rather, they are the secret landscapes that are within me, seen from above.

Marie was working at the Heights Herald, the college’s weekly paper, as an associate editor. She dreamed of being the next Nellie Bly. Like Bly, she would travel around the world in 72 days, stand up for single mothers, rage against social injustices. Both women were young enough to think that they could make a global difference, be like Willy Wonka-shine a good deed in a weary world.

It was standard policy at the newspaper to interview featured Larson Gallery artists for the Arts and Entertainment section of the paper. When the queen cats at the Herald got wind of Kelly’s art project, they started hissing around the water cooler.

“Gross! I bet that whole place reeks.”

“I wonder if it’s really real blood, no one healthy can bleed that much in a month.”

“She’s fucking nasty. That is disgusting.”

“I suggest she goes to a therapist NOW to get her head checked out. “ A cackle of laughter and then some sound effects of feigned retching.

“Grow up,” Marie said. Consequently, her editor told her to get the story.

***

The first thing you notice about Kelly is her hair. Of course, it is “Flaming June” red. A dense forest of curls, a flashing neon sign blinking “I am here” over her head. Her figure is tiny; she’s delicate, with a little waist, and milk glass skin. She is like the beautiful result of an accidental breeding: one part Troll doll, mixed with two parts Madame Alexander Couture collectible.

After a brief hello my name is, Marie and Kelly belly up to the coffee bar and order their drinks. They sit down at the square Formica table with their cups. Marie has sworn off caffeine and is drinking herbal tea. Kelly is adding cream and sugar to a giant mug of black coffee. “Never drink anything bigger than your head,” she says and raises her cup to Marie in a toast.

“Cheers,” Marie says, and they share their first joke.

Kelly leans forward, puts down her mug, and places her head in her hands. It is a great red nest atop the bare branches of a Birch tree. She studies Marie’s face, draws the distance between her eyes, measures her long nose, and discovers the contradiction of a tiny mouth with full lips. Kelly inhales and exhales, there is a beat, and she asks, “Have you seen my maps?”

“I plan to,” Marie says. Her face has turned scarlet, and she busies herself by shuffling around the papers in her briefcase, searching for something lost. She does not want to look at Kelly, does not want to see a reflection of her own disappointment. Why didn’t she go see Kelly’s art before she scheduled this meeting?

Marie finds what she is digging for, a yellow legal pad and a brown rectangular box. She opens the box and pulls out a Cross ballpoint pen. It is a gift from her parents. “For signing autographs,” her father had teased. The pen is heavy; so far it has more substance than the words it has inked. Marie has christened it Pink, a pen name, another nod to her heroine: Nellie Bly. In 1864 Nellie’s mother baptized Nellie in a bright pink gown. After that, Nellie had all eyes on her, and the nickname “Pink.”

“Let’s go.” Kelly says.

“Where?” Marie asks.

“To the gallery,” she says. “Right now.”

“Okay…”Marie says, and she starts, putting Pink away.

“You can bring that fabulous pen,” says Kelly. “Sign your autograph in my guestbook.”

***

Kelly picks up the letter off the floor where it has landed en route from her mail slot. She tucks the envelope into the pocket of her robe. She boils water in the orange Le Creuset teakettle she has stalked for months. She sold one of her paintings last week, walked into the upscale boutique The Kitchen Sink, and bought the damn thing with cash. It is her current desire, the objection of her affection, the apple of her eye. So far, so good. Unlike many of her previous romantic pursuits, now that she has her, can claim her, has named her “Mine,” the kettle still gets hot.

She measures out the coffee grounds and puts them into a French press pot. When the kettle whistles, she turns off the flame, and pours hot water over the grounds. She sets the timer on her oven for four minutes; it is the time the coffee needs to brew. After what seems like an eternity, the letter burning a hole in her pocket, the alarm goes off. She measures out a tablespoon of sugar, eyeballs a splash of cream, and fills her cup with the strong black serum.

She walks slowly because she has filled her mug too full. She sits down and opens the envelope, savoring the ink.

Dearest K,

When I woke up this morning Ben told me you called. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I just don’t have the guts. I don’t want to hear you tell me “it’s okay Marie,” because it is not.

So, I’m back to reaching you with good old pen and ink. Remember my pen “Pink?” I think of all the bleeding she has done for me over the years, all of her donations to my “causes,” and yet she’s still got more she is willing to give. Pink’s a much better sharer than I am.

Speaking of bleeding, I thought you would think this story is funny. Yesterday, I had a routine blood test and I was a total mess. I’m sitting in the clinic’s lab, they’ve got a rubber band around my arm so they can easily find a vein, and the nurse has inserted the needle. Meanwhile, I am trying hard to escape. I’m searching for an out of body experience; in my mind I’ll go someplace else. Where in the world is Carmen Santiago? It does not work. I’m stuck in reality. I am salivating now because my mouth is preparing for vomit. I start seeing those dreaded black curtains closing in front of my eyes. I put my head down between my legs, trying to get some blood to go to my brain. It’s a trick my mom has taught me to keep myself from passing out. Unfortunately, I crash to the floor, spilling the vile the nurse has collected. When I wake up blood is everywhere. Then the nurse congratulates me.

Kelly, I’m pregnant.

***

“Blood is everywhere,” Kelly says leading Marie through the gallery. They are in a room that looks like Hollywood imagines Heaven to be. Everything in it is white. Her art, in this space, screams red. The paintings are spilled Cabernet Sauvignon wine on a bride’s wedding gown, even after they are cleaned, a nasty stain will remain.

Kelly continues, “We as a society are obsessed, bombarded by images of blood everyday. The butcher’s bloodied apron, the shooting victim covered in blood, the hockey player with a bloody nose, fake blood swirling down the drain in a horror movie, vampires, stigmata, the blood of Jesus Christ.” As Kelly talks Marie tries to keep up, writing furiously in her yellow legal pad. “Get this. I just read an account of the death John Dillinger, Public Enemy Number One. After the police shot him, coroners had to fend off droves of people who swarmed his dead body. Folks dipped whatever they had, handkerchiefs, newspapers, even their sleeves into the pools of his blood, keeping his bloodstains as mementos.”

Marie notices Kelly’s paintings look old. They are aerial treasure maps from long ago, when pirates traveled from booty to booty in hot air balloons.

Kelly is speaking louder now, her anger has energized her voice, “But we women are supposed to hide away and keep our periods quiet, secret. Menstrual bleeding is not caused by violence or accidental injury. Blood is life, it is a reflection of who we are from the inside out. Why should we not shout that from the tops of mountains?”

They have stopped walking and are standing in front of “The Tropic of Artemis.” It is an aerial map like the others, but there is a tree growing up from its center, its roots are exposed, dangling, suspended over a sea.

“What is that?” Marie asks.

“That is the Tree of Life,” Kelly says. Marie takes a step forward toward the painting. She stares a full two minutes before she sees it. Hidden among the root systems, a tiny figure, a human fetus, is tethered to the umbilical trunk of the tree.

***

Marie is reading in bed and Baby Boy is a night owl. She watches her belly ripple as he swims the breaststroke across her pool. “The Amazing Placenta: The Tree of Life,” that’s the title of the article she’s reading.
The placenta organ, sometimes called the Tree of Life, grows from the time of conception to eventually take over the production of hormones needed to sustain the pregnancy. It supplies your growing baby with a means of obtaining nutrients for development as well as a method of waste disposal. It is the only major organ on Earth created when needed, and then released when its purpose has been fulfilled. One side of the placenta attaches to the inside wall of the mother’s womb. The other side, facing the baby, contains an image of a tree, with the umbilical cord representing the trunk, and the exposed blood vessels acting as branches.

Marie is remembering the day she met Kelly. It was years ago, when she was writing her first real article for the Herald. They spent two hours in the gallery talking about Kelly’s work, and then the women went back to Marie’s dorm room. They shared a joint on her bed. Kelly put her hand on Marie’s thigh. At first, Marie ignored the invitation, thought maybe she was imagining it, but when she looked down, there it was. Excited, she could feel the tiny hairs on her neck standing at attention. Marie had never felt this way, and was afraid. “I’ve never done this before,” she had said. They kissed hungrily for hours until their lips bled.

Marie didn’t talk to Kelly for weeks after their night together, not until she was safely dating Bill. She knew her parents would disown her if they found out she was a lesbian. Marie didn’t have the strength to deal with that.

Kelly has forgiven Marie. She says it is okay to be “just friends.” She calls Marie her “Baby Namer,” because Marie, good with words, gives Kelly’s art creations their titles. Kelly still shouts truths from the tops of mountains. While Marie, in a little room, tidies up her secrets, wraps them in neat toilet paper packages, and throws them away.

 

I have my own little Cesar Milan of the poultry living in my house. Little Miss Violet sings to the chickens and they sing back. Here is a video of Violet finding “our first egg!”

Kim and I have been good friends since we were nine, and would have been friends since the day we met, at age four, if it weren’t for our “evil” neighbor who shall remain nameless.

Last month Kim delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl who she and her husband named “Ruby Jeanne.” I am absolutely ecstatic for my dear friend who is as amazing a mother as she has always been a friend.

Thought I would post some pictures of Kim’s baby shower and a few of my first day meeting dear Ruby.

On the day of the shower we did some “pendulum testing” to see whether she was going to have a girl or a boy. I was the only one who was absolutely certain she was having a girl. I love when I’m right.

Is it A Girl or A Boy?
Good Friends Good Conversation
Kim's Turn to See What Tana is Having
The kids and I went over to visit with Kim and Ruby and it my heart swelled as they looked at her beauty and frailty in awe.  She was a mere five days old, but seemed so alert and healthy.  Kim is truly one of the most beautiful and glowing mothers I have ever seen.  Here is Kim’s little jewel.

For my thirty second birthday the kids, dog, Adam and I headed the North Shore past Duluth to Split Rock Lighthouse State Park.

We booked a “back pack” site a couple of months ago, thinking we truly wanted a secluded campsite.  Well, maybe that was a good idea when it is two adults, but throw in a four year old and ask her to walk three plus miles a day and you get this:

Day Two Camping, We’ve Walked at Least Three Miles & Up/Down 300 Stairs

Violet sits down.

“Mom, I just want to go home.”

I respond, by asking her if she thinks this is a beautiful place.

Violet looks around at our incredible surroundings.

“Yes.  But I hate it.”

It was a truly magical place, but we’ll stay in the very secluded, but much more “kid friendly” cart in sites next year.  Each site comes with its own wheelbarrow to haul in one’s gear!  Ah now that’s luxurious camping.

Here are some pictures of our trip.  I’ve never seen my family happier, or dirtier.  My birthday dinner consisted of tofu dogs and Smoking Loon wine.  Fabulous!  A highlight of that night was being scared out of our mind when this bird started its “warning” shriek and a pack of timberwolves started to bark and howl.  It was awesome.

Today I got a reminder that an opinion is an opinion is an opinion. A dear friend of mine wrote a hilariously wicked review of a book I recommended here, and to so many folks, Eat, Pray, Love. I just had to include her review, as it not only is well written but provides some quality insight I don’t absolutely agree with, but most definitely respect.

Sorting my thoughts out on this book was like having two sides of me arguing against each other. Here are some thoughts and my own rebuttals…it’s not an essay, just fragments of ideas. I think that Elizabeth is taking this broken marriage to hell and back with some high drama and fake eyelashes. Wailing in the bathroom at night? Wants to travel the world and not have kids? Hey, me too! But then again, I haven’t been through a broken marriage. I do, however, remember feeling quite low and dramatic when a couple of my relationships ended. If I had thought of wailing, I would have tried it. And had I the money, I definitely would have eaten pizza in Italy, meditated at an Indian ashram, and allowed myself to be adored by a wealthy older Brazilian. OK, so being able to go through your emotions without judgment from others is legal. But what about her husband? She tries to be so polite by saying she’s not going to comment on him and their marriage but then she throws in a few zingers like how he turned nasty in the divorce and how she gave everything to him just so the divorce could be over. So of course, she is the victim and the martyr. So high-minded. Things went well in Italy, where all she did was eat and try to speak Italian. I even liked the fact that she skipped some classes. But what the hell kind of crazy happened in India? I’m a little annoyed by people traveling to the other side of the earth just to close their eyes and be quiet. I imagine that in their normal lives, these people talk too much, are bossy, opinionated, and completely ADHD. But hey, if you need to spend ridiculous amounts of money and time in order to shut up and realize that you are not the center of the universe, then the rest of the world is better off for it. I don’t, however, want to hear about it! There are a lot of good people in this world who have reached the same “enlightenment” that our dear Elizabeth or have just grown up like that so an ashram is definitely not necessary. And you know what, I resent how someone’s self-proclaimed enlightenment is like a snub to everybody else. Can we not all find pleasure, spirituality, and love in our own backyard? Unfortunately, the writing is pretty good. There is a mix of Elizabeth’s emotional state and story, a look into three other cultures, colorful characters, cultural comments, and historical anecdotes. I just didn’t want to like it because the writer is a woman. And she’s successful. And she has an apt in NY. And she has a house in CT. And she has been paid to travel the world and write about it. Oh…and she accomplished all these things at approximately the same age that I am now. Man, is my jealousy ugly. When I pretended that the author was male, I found myself appreciating the writing and the experiences expressed sooooo much more. Sigh. What a great feminist I am. Speaking about traveling the world and getting paid to write about it…is it just me or is it odd that you could be in such a muck-ish time of your life (remember the wailing) yet still pitch your story to an editor? I mean, to read about it, this woman’s life is being torn apart by blood-hungry wolves and she is struggling so hard that she has to turn to anti-depressants…but she has the foresight to know that she will be able to find what she needs through travel? That within a year, she will have emerged a better person? That she will be able to unearth something about herself? That this book will have a happy ending?? By the way, that happy ending was so lame and artificial! Gross! The section on Indonesia found our girl more firmly grounded and getting her groove on. Yuck! You know, everything in life is about timing. If we had caught Miss Elizabeth on the day of her wedding to her first husband, we would have been persuaded that this was going to be the most fabulous relationship ever. So what makes us believe that she has learned anything? At first, I wanted to give her credit because if somebody is going to be that honest about their depression, naive spiritual quest, and lovemaking…if somebody was going to put it all in print and stand up straight in face of all the predictable criticism and ridicule…then that person can take the money that comes with the book deal. Then I thought, no. This “memoir” is so artificially crafted. Three countries that begin with “I”? The three avenues of feeding the body and soul via food, prayer, and love? That she would be successful in her endeavors in each country? No do-overs? No failures? Come on…this woman is laughing with us all the way to the bank! I don’t want to be a bummer but this is how my memoir would have gone: Italy: I find myself in Southern Italy where people are poor and families struggle to put food on the table. I become depressed and stop eating myself. India: I walk through the streets unnerved by the poverty and unwavering religiousness of the people. I look at Westerners visiting ashrams and am repulsed. I lose faith in humanity. Indonesia: I stay in a “cottage” and freak out over large rodents visiting me at night. I pick at my mosquito bites and cry.

chickens and that’s good enough for me.

-sung in the style of Cookie Monster.

Adam has found true love, a good cluck, a good lay…he’s found his hens. It is my great pleasure to introduce to the world the newest family members of the Sparks clan.

Marie Antoinette, Lady Jane Grey, Mary Queen of Scots, Catherine Howard, and Anne Bolelyn are two month old Welsummer/Orpington chickens that arrived at Coop Sparks yesterday. It took me a great while to really be “into the idea” of having chickens, based mostly on the poop I know comes with them and the vermin that like their food too. However, I know I won’t be dealing with shit or rats unless Adam is abducted by aliens and so I am so excited to have these ladies around.

Meanwhile, I am also loving Adam’s enthusiasm over my names for the chickens. I do have a sick sense of humor.

Here are our petite poulet!

Adam has been working diligently on researching chickens and building a hen house. Consequently, our vehicles received some hail damage from a storm a couple of weeks ago because the chicken coop was happily parked in our garage. Here you can see Adam has designed the coop to look similar to our house. FYI Adam hates this picture I took. Sorry Adam.

So far the kids have enjoyed feeding their new pets worms and caterpillars. Sage wasn’t too sure he wanted to hold a hen, but after seeing his little sister rise to the challenge he swallowed his fear and held his favorite Welsummer mix chicken, Catherine.

Posh is very interested in the chickens, but she is such a good girl and hasn’t shown the slightest bit of aggression or prey instinct. Supposedly Havanese were once bred to be chicken herding dogs, so in the next couple of months when we let the ladies out to free range, we will be sure to update you all on her chicken herding ability. So far she loves to rest under the coop, and peek in the door when I feed the hens. She hasn’t barked at them at all. Here is my youngest child with her new “sisters.”

I remember how in love I once was with Ebay. I thought “Man you can type in the word ‘fart’ and find something.”

Well, I’ve a new lover ladies and gentlemen. We met a couple years ago, but I finally took the plunge and purchased my first Etsy.com hand silk-screened tee.

Yes, I realize I’m now wearing crazy dog lady garb. If the shoe fits…okay, I’ve lost it.

Nothing but the best for my little Posh princess…I buckle her safely in her Petflys carrier in the backseat of the car and we’re on our way. We were stylin’ in the plane on our way to sunny Arizona. Posh didn’t make a peep, and this carrier slid easily under the seat.

I can’t say enough kind things about this rockin’ company. Check it out pet lovers with attitude. You’ll be one happy camper. Rock on Tammy and Monkey Boy, you got a good thang goin’.

Miss Violet turned four on Monday.

Here is a birthday story worth writing down-

She woke up early on the morning of her birthday and asked me if today was the day she turned four. I told her yes it was.
Violet had preschool that day and proudly announced to her teacher and class that she was four today.
Fast forward a few hours and we are on our way home. I look in the rearview mirror and see she is about to cry. She starts to cry and I ask her what’s the matter?
She says, “I just want to be three again!”
I reply that she can pretend and she says “it’s not the same. I don’t want to be old, I want to be new.”
I convinced her that four was a good age because now she got four books at bedtime vs. three.
Man oh man, what is she going to think when she turns thirty?

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